The typical “this although that” Josh Macedo post

unremarkablehappenings:

When I was fifteen I was raped thrice by a man I foolishly thought kind, who had taken me into his home when I didn’t have a place to stay. The story is long and I haven’t time to tell it. The only reason I mention it today is to give more context as to why I’ve reached the following conclusion:

Josh was notably taciturn about his severely low self-esteem, but there were many times where he would bring it up in a post (and later delete it) during the past few years that I followed him. After this whole issue between him and other girls came to head, the “dots” seemed to connect in my mind. Here’s a man who has suffered from very low self-esteem for a long time. Now give him a shake of power and adoring fan base. Keep in mind that his power is also primarily linked to his image. The smart words were nice, but in truth, it was his self-shots that really attracted attention of the majority-girl fan base. His popularity and his worth became inextricably linked with his image: the bow-tie, the atypical skinniness, and the large glasses. Having had his self-worth validated almost entirely by his looks, it’s not difficult to understand someone with his particular anxious temperament taking it a step further: aggressively trying to prove his self worth to himself and to others through image-linked means (nudes, photographs, videos). Tie it in with the cultural norm: men masturbating on Chatroulette, Omegle, etc; worth being measured in the size of a man’s genitalia; the extreme pressure society puts on men to be sex fiends, orgasmic in bed, etc. (alternatively, so I don’t get called out on it, the pressure on women to be chaste but not prudes, fun but not sluts). Men that feel anxious about themselves and their own image sometimes try to prove their self-worth in any way possible, often resorting to overtly sexual behavior, “dick pics,” or becoming the sad men you click through on Omegle one boring Friday night. For someone like Josh, who has extreme anxiety angled at himself, he’s a prime candidate for all these behaviors.

So here we are, looking at the accusations from his ex-girlfriend, bitsy, and other users (the other users, in honest, being full of shit: to the girl who said she was “creeped out” by him saying the word “frick” on her selfie, stop trying to involve yourself; it’s childish and melodramatic and no piece of the pity pie will be served to you). I don’t much connect to bitsy’s accusations, but I entirely understand where his ex-girlfriend was coming from. After recovering (as much as one can) from the rape when I was 15, I went on to have a few relationships myself. I remember one boyfriend being so pushy for sex that I began to feel panicky and uncomfortable around him. One night a shaky “no” was interpreted as “yes,” and after further cajoling, I laid back and did nothing while he finished himself. I was horrified at what happened, but I knew it was an issue of miscommunication rather than a desire to hurt me. He thought I was playing hard to get, that I was being coy. The next day I sat him down and told him why that would never be happening again. He received it. He apologized profusely. At the time, I was a minor and he was an adult. I could have screamed rape, certainly. If it wasn’t rape without consent, it was certainly stat rape. But that wasn’t the issue. The issue was he’d done something wrong without understanding it was wrong, and that I have a calm talk with him and tell him how to fix it in the future. He knows better now. If I even so much as frowned he’d step off instantly.

If I had the opportunity to ruin the life of the man who first raped me, I would. If I had the same opportunity for the ex-boyfriend, I wouldn’t even consider it. He’s a good man who made a mistake.

The thing about Josh is that his actions did deserve punishment. He should’ve been chastised and told to get his act together. But social media has made it so that he won’t be able to get a job, interact with others online, or feel safe at home. (By the way, for those that are contacting him at his home, sending his family his nude photographs and terrorizing them, you need to stop. I don’t need to insult you. You should seriously just know better. You’re sexually harassing that family in a very intimate, upsetting way. I’m disgusted and horrified by your idiocy). 

So no, I think social media really fucked this one up. It’s essentially wrecked a guy’s life for a dick pic and a chat. That’s what serious, concrete rape allegations usually do. In fact, rape allegations are usually met with less punishment because no one believes the victims. But his life, his friendships, his family ties, all over this incident? He was manipulative and base and goodness I would never want to interact with him myself. But if someone had just sat him down like I sat my ex-boyfriend down, I firmly believe this whole thing could have been avoided. I’ve received a slew of unsolicited dick pics (since the age of 10 when I started using the internet), had men grope me, and had men send me lewd conversations, texts, phone messages, and emails. If I had the option to ruin their lives right now, I wouldn’t. If I had the option to talk to them, tell them in a civil manner how I felt, and end with “hey go fuck yourself, buddy,” surely I would. Sexual harassment is something a lot of men engage in without really understanding how women feel. Men are pressured to act as “top dogs” and “the bosses,” and some people mix up how they want to portray that message to others. It’s the saddest, most confused people who sit on the corner of my metro station saying “hey baby, want some of this?” when I walk to evening classes. Some men make women feel uncomfortable without realizing it’s a problem. A lot of people have a shitty go of it, shit self-esteem, and internal problems that make them think doing this kind of shit is a way to prove their self worth. Josh has been hospitalized for his suicidal thoughts. His family is being tormented entirely at his expense. His friends have abandoned him. His only real source of self-esteem (his internet fame) has just entirely collapsed upon his head. The incident will haunt him for years and years to come. And now we’ve just lost one of the most outspoken pro-feminist bloggers because he fucked up and no one close to him sat him down and said “hey, I think you need to re-evaluate how you interact with women because it makes a lot of us feel uncomfortable.” As can be seen by his ex-girlfriend and bitsy’s testimonies, he was never truly afforded that chance at rehabilitation. We’ve sent a man to the social gallows without asking ourselves if he could be changed. And worse yet, because no one did that, he won’t. That’s the fucking crux of the problem. He thinks the people blaming him are sociopaths that want to destroy his life because no one has given a nanosecond of their time to civilly let him understand his behavior problems. I want change, not revenge. And we just skipped the former and went to the latter. 

In short, I don’t think the punishment fits the crime, ladies and gentlemen. The crime is still there, yes. I don’t ignore it. I think he was manipulating girls the way I was manipulated when I walked into that man’s house, was beaten into unconsciousness, and was raped. But ask yourself why, and ask yourself can this be fixed? Because everyone is so boned for the idea of justice that they don’t even know what it is. We punish criminals so they become rehabilitated. That’s what my country’s justice system was founded on. But today, everyone thinks it’s about revenge. I don’t want Josh to stop being a pro-feminist, pro-LGBT activist. But because of this he probably will, and because of how social media has handled it he probably won’t ever understand what he did wrong outside of terms of legality (I break the law almost every day. I jaywalk. I train hop. I hitchhike and drink under my country’s legal limit. Legality and morality are not connected in my mind, and I highly doubt they are in his). 

TL;DR: 

  • I think Josh is a guy that was aggressively trying to prove his self worth to himself and to other girls by manipulating the only thing his Tumblr fan base has ever consistently valued him for: his looks. He got his wires crossed and here we are.
  • By enacting revenge, we completely avoid the possibility of change. We did not open a dialogue, we lit a fire. People are not hopeless cases, and we treat them like it. I mourn the fact that no one close ever sat this guy down and finally told him he was fucking up. Instead, he found out by being publicly lambasted that something was wrong. Better yet, he doesn’t think he did something wrong because the way it was handled looks malicious to him, not instructive. And it is. 
  • Punishment was deserved, but not to the extent it was received.
  • The words “rape culture,” “sexual assault,” “rapist,” and “pedophile,” do not factor into this argument. No one was raped or assaulted. Look up the definition of pedophile. And finally, using the term “rape culture” for this less-serious (in comparison to being raped, sexually assaulted, and attacked) matter trivializes very serious offences that serious sexual abuse survivors have endured. Especially because the issue has been highly polarizing, the words “rape culture” are also now also being trivialized and the concept is being warped. Thousands of Josh die-hards or sympathists are now taking the words “rape culture” and equating it with the word “nonexistent” because of how they view this particular case. It’s quite seriously hurting more than it is helping at this point.
  • Start a fucking dialogue, guys. Leave bitsy alone. If sending dick pics is a capital offence now, discuss why. Put down your pitchforks and learn from this.
  • Stop pretending black and white is a thing in this world. It often isn’t. Realize that miscommunication is a terrifying thing in any sexual encounter, and it occurred here. Let’s find ways to figure out how to firmly express our ‘no’s and ‘yes’s so this doesn’t keep happening. It’s safe to assume had he been given a firm no, he would’ve accepted a firm no. There’s no evidence to suggest otherwise. Not from his ex-girlfriends or from bitsy.
  • In honesty, this would’ve happened at some point. It really, really would’ve. If not this bitsy, the next bitsy would’ve stepped out a month from now. Given this, there’s not much reason to continue to rail on her.
  • Done
  • * Will be deleted soon because it mucks up my blog